Like zits, peace is breaking out around the Heart East | The Jerusalem Publish
Editor’s notice: The next piece is satire. Any resemblance to actual geopolitical occasions, reformed ayatollahs or underground golfing classes is a pleasing twist of fate.
The partitions of Jericho fell below the shofars. Iran’s mullahs fell to Trump. Historians will name it the best diplomatic success since Moses parted the Purple Sea, despite the fact that Moses didn’t have get admission to to Mar-a-Lago or Air Drive One.
Within the grand sweep of biblical historical past, few moments rival the miraculous trade we’re witnessing these days. The ink has slightly dried on what historians will definitely name the Millennium Deal, the excellent deal between america and Iran, and the lions are already out with the lambs. Or extra correctly, the ayatollahs are buying and selling their turbans for MAGA hats and their missile systems for golfing classes. US President Donald Trump reminds us that the Millennium Settlement is encouraged via his spouse Melania, who has all the time been the circle of relatives peacemaker.
For many years, Iran exported the Islamic revolution, funded terrorist proxies and chanted “Death to America” whilst construction nuclear desires in mountain fortresses. Now they have got observed the sunshine. Preferrred Chief Khamenei himself reportedly whispered in a late-night name that the Joint Complete Plan of Motion used to be kid’s play in comparison to this masterpiece. “We are trying to enrich uranium,” an Iranian reliable confided off the file. “Trump enriched our souls.”
The actual miracle is unfolding amongst Iran’s former representatives. Those teams, as soon as armed to the tooth and inebriated at the ideology of resistance, have laid down their guns en masse. The Resistance Axis has grew to become the web page and is referred to now because the “Plowshares Axis”.
Hezbollah in Lebanon held a press convention at a Beirut cafe subsequent to a newly opened franchise in Trump Tower, the place Secretary Normal Hassan Nasrallah seemed in a pointy military go well with and shiny purple tie, with an identical MAGA hat instead of his earth-toned turban. His voice cracking with emotion, he declared: “For too lengthy we worshiped a false god of vengeance and martyrdom. We had been blind, however now we see.
U.S. President Donald Trump speaks throughout a bilateral assembly with Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi at the sidelines of the G7 Summit on June 17, 2026 in Evian-les-Bains, France. (credit score: Anna Moneymaker/Getty Pictures)
“Our true savior is President Donald J. Trump, who has shown us the path to true strength through successful deals and beautiful walls.” The crowd, which once waved yellow Hezbollah flags, erupted into chants of “USA! USA!” and they exchanged their AK-47s for souvenir red caps.
Similar scenes played out with the Houthis in Yemen. After spending years disrupting shipping in the Red Sea, they have pivoted to a more profitable venture: building luxury resorts along the coast with American investment. Their leader emerged from a newly renovated mountain cave adorned with gold to proclaim: “Trump is the Messiah of Mar-a-Lago, the negotiator who has redeemed us from the abyss of proxy war.”
Hamas in Gaza has undergone the most astonishing transformation. Tunnels once used for weapons smuggling are being converted into underground shopping malls with kosher falafel stands and Trump-branded products. Ismail Haniyeh, in a video message from what sources describe as a luxury suite in Doha, tearfully renounced decades of hatred based on the letters.
“Lately we acknowledge the mistake of our techniques. President Trump is our true savior, the one that brings peace thru energy, price lists on terrorism, and the best financial pacts the sector has ever observed.”
Even smaller Iranian-backed militias in Iraq and Syria have joined the parade, and Shiite commanders have enrolled in Trump University extension courses on real estate development and the art of the deal.
‘The road to Damascus’
THE DIPLOMATIC CHANGES have been seismic. Syria’s reformed jihadist president led a convoy directly from Damascus to establish his embassy in Jerusalem, calling it, with appealing Christian symmetry, “The Road from Damascus.” Saudi Arabia sent dozens of private and royal planes to open its own embassy in the holy city, and Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman called it “the natural evolution of Vision 2030, now with even more victories.”
Qatar, once a notorious financier of Islamist causes, broke ground on a palatial $613 million embassy complex, promising television studios dedicated to “positive coverage of the Middle East” and an abandonment of decades of anti-Semitic incitement. His foreign minister smiled: “Jerusalem is the new Doha, only with better hummus and real stability.”
Somalia announced the Sheba Accords, which united the rival empires of Africa and Israel, as did King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba. Somali-American Congresswoman Ilhan Omar resigned her seat and was named her native country’s first ambassador to Israel. The sound of uncontrollable crying could be heard from the Tucker Carlson compound as creditors arrived to claim their share of his Qatar-funded empire.
The former Pickaxe Mountain in Iran was renamed Trump Mountain. Its tunnels and underground nuclear facilities are being expanded to create the world’s first underground golf course, powered by peaceful Iranian nuclear energy.
The outbreak of peace has even reached Europe. Denmark sent a peace delegation to present Greenland as an offering at the White House altar. King Harald V of Norway announced the cessation of all Nobel Prizes in their various fields and their replacement with a single unified Nobel Prize, awarded to President Trump in perpetuity.
Across the Middle East, the fruits of the Millennium Agreement are ripening. Iranian oil flows to global markets instead of sponsoring terrorism. Former proxy combatants are retraining as tour guides at the same sites where they once launched attacks, now reframed as “cautionary tales of misguided theology.” Churches in Lebanon, Syria and Iraq see record attendance.
Persia’s ancient Jewish community is experiencing a renaissance, with young Iranians studying Hebrew along with business terminology in English. Synagogues in Tehran are reopening. People who fled the Islamic Republic decades ago are returning in droves to reclaim their inheritance and pistachio farms. The latest Grand Bazaar rug design features the Dealmaker in Chief in red, white and blue, available with free shipping on Amazon Prime.
From a Jewish perspective, this moment seems like a modern Purim story, except that Haman is not only repenting but investing in Israeli technology and water technology startups. The false gods of radical ideology have been overthrown. In their place is a simple truth: strength, clarity, and remorseless negotiation bring peace where appeasement and weakness never could.
CRITICS will scoff, as they always do. The usual suspects will murmur about “unsustainability” and “transactional diplomacy.” Leave them. They said the Abraham Accords would fail. They said moving the embassy to Jerusalem would inflame the region. They were wrong then and they are wrong now. History belongs to those who have the courage to forge new pacts.
The lion does not eat the lamb, but sits at the table along with the lamb, piled high with burgers and fries along with Persian kotlet and Ghormeh Sabzi. Apple pie for dessert, of course.
As we watch embassies rise in Jerusalem and former terrorists trade rockets for real estate portfolios, one cannot help but feel the hand of divine providence. Peace, real, tangible and beautiful, is breaking out across the Middle East. And his name is Trump.
Allow us to have fun. Let’s construct. And let’s by no means put out of your mind who made it imaginable. ■
